History of My Fat

Probably my earliest recognition that I was heavier than the other kids my age was when I was five. I remember being in a store with my mom and running into one of my kindergarten girlfriends, also with her mom. Mom was speaking with the other girl’s mom and they were discussing the “weighty” issue of controlling their daughters’ (our) chubbiness. My friend’s mother was raving about how they were buying a two-piece swimsuit for my friend because she had slimmed down some. I was five and wanted desperately to wear a two-piece, but mom would not allow it. To this day, I’ve never worn a two-piece! I heard Mom talking about how she was trying to motivate me to lose weight, and I remember thinking to myself: “oh, so I’m fat?”

My childhood is full of such memories. My mom was tall and thin when I was young, but my dad was always heavy. Mom’s mother was obese for most of her life and died at 56, due to complications from diabetes. My paternal grandmother was always heavy as well. My parents obviously saw the genetic tendency to gain weight manifesting itself in me at a very young age. Combined with the passion for food common my Italian-American families, it was a recipe for disaster. Mom monitored my weight closely because she didn’t want me to wind up like her mother, and (probably a bit out of rebellion, among other factors) I grew larger and larger the older I became.

When I was 18 and had never been kissed, something clicked and I decided to lose weight. I went from 276 pounds to 168. I looked amazing! Unfortunately, my main focus on that weight loss journey was to simply “get skinny.” I wasn’t concerned with building healthy eating patterns I could live with the rest of my life.

At 168 pounds, I was finally kissed—and wound up engaged to a man that was all wrong for me. After a rocky three-year relationship I never should have been in in the first place, I found out he was having an affair and called our wedding off a few short months before it was scheduled. I was devastated (stupidly) and the weight I had lost quickly piled back on.

Within two and a half years, I had gained back all of the weight I had lost, plus extra. My wonderful husband and I were dating, moving towards marriage and I weighed 299 pounds. We joined Weight Watchers together and I got down to 270ish. Then I was diagnosed with ulcerative colitis and spent the next two plus years pretty much sick all the time and constantly going off and on steroids.

By the time my ulcerative colitis went into remission and I was able to get off the steroids, I’d ballooned to 316 pounds. I hated my body.

It’s been almost a year since then and I’m down to 266. My number is going to steadily go down. By this time next year, I hope to be down to 166 (OR LOWER) again. But this time, it’s coming off for good and I’m focusing on HEALTH, not just on becoming HOT! I’m going to be 30 next year and I plan on being HOT!